Just Jokin'

[ellanoize]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife
has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if
she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why
was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Bob

[cherriesmum]

Investment tips
the latest in big business mergers,

1 Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will become : Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2 Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and zesta Crackers will become: Polly Warner Cracker.

3 3M will merge with Godyear and become: MMM Good

4 Fedex is merging with UpS and will become: Fed Up

5 Grey Poupon and Docker Pants will become: Poupon Pants

6 Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will become: Titty Titty Bang Bang

[ellanoize]

I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked, "What is
a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.
I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."


The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to
draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her
over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on
this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

[ellanoize]

Q: What's Irish and stays outside the house at night, even in the rain?

A: Paddy O'furniture [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[cherrysis]

Right On!!!

[ellanoize]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

[ellanoize]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?", he asked the second man. "Hmmm...let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich? for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....

[cherrysis]

I am certain of one thing...I will think of you anytime I enter a Wal-mart and laugh!!! [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[mr rogie]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."

"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin .. . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

[cherrysis]

LOL REALLY LOUD!!! [img]rolleyes.gif[/img]